For instance (perhaps you can relate) i can remember quite clearly having to face what seemed to be more than my fair share of bullies as a kid. Like the time i spent an entire summer on the southside of Chicago instead of Queens in New York City where i was born and grew up. It seems that word had gotten around the neighborhood that there was new kid on the block, who had a funny accent and was fairly easy to beat up. So almost every day, when i came to the front door to ostensibly go outside and play, i was met by a long line of kids from up and down the street who wanted to beat me up. i was an easy target because i wouldn't fight back (Of course, i really had no idea of how to fight!).
Then there was Bobby Best. This kid was huge for an elementary age kid... at least he seemed to be to me! i truly hoped that perhaps we could be friends... and "friends" as far as i was concerned meant that he would go a week or more and not beat me up! One day after school while tossing bricks (discus style... we were pretending we were in the Olympics) at an abandoned house (one of the few times it seemed that Bobby Best and i were really maybe on the road toward becoming "friends")... i made the mistake of launching an erstwhile discus/ projectile brick inadvertently toward the steps of the house which were way off to the right of the boarded windows we were aiming for directly in front of us. Unfortunately, sitting on the steps was Bobby Best's little bratty sister. The series of events that followed involved copious amounts of pain for both your truly and Bobby Best's little bratty sister.
First, after being smacked squarely in the forehead with a brick, Bobby Best's little bratty sister cried as if she had been smacked in the head with a brick! Secondly, after making sure that the swelling lump on her head was only the sign of the human body doing what it is supposed to in those situations, Bobby turned his attention to me. i had just gotten that "Inch High Private Eye" lunchbox too, before Bobby took it and smashed it down on my head and said..."Now you know how my little sister feels!" (He didn't refer to her as bratty... even though that is what she was!). My lunchbox was ruined and so was my weeklong "friendship" with Bobby Best.
Relational conflict it seems no matter how much we try cannot be avoided. But then again perhaps that is part of being human. We are all different, have different expectations, temperaments, personalities and on and on it goes. i guess the key is how do you handle conflict? Due to responsibilities related to what i do here at Westbrook, i have spent the last several days and weeks thinking about relational conflict. It has become somewhat obvious to me that most of us even as adults don't do whole lot better than i did back in elementary in dealing with my tormentor and nemesis Bobby Best. Just a glance at the internet news sites, cable news channels or network evening news gives evidence of that. From everything to custody battles to international wars to civil suits, we humans struggle with the whole conflict thing.
What is the answer? That, i can't answer completely but i do know that part of the answer has a lot to do with our willingness as individuals to commit to work through whatever differences we may have with one another. Understanding that while we may not get everything we want, the key is to do whatever it takes (within reason) to maintain the relationship. Committing to this kind of hard work will mean making sacrifices but living with other humans in community absolutely demands it!
i bet if i had been a better fighter, i wouldn't have been as interested in being a "peace maker"... So maybe it is a good thing that i used to get beat up all the time as a kid...
1 comment:
Geez, getting beat-up sounds like no fun at all. I think more emphasis on the "peace" in peacemaker would have been a better deal, but I am goingto venture to guess your namesake was not into semantics.
That said, sounds like you played the hand you were dealt which is all anybody can do for the most part. The question is - how did you come out on the other side of all of it? Are you a better person because of it or in spite of it? Overall, does it handicapp or enhance your relationships? Is your "peacemaking" tendency a result of your own DNA coding, a method of coping with extenuenting circumstances, a learned behavior from a mentor or something totally different? Are you willing to extend this same commitment to maintaining relationships with people in your community across race, sex, gender, philosophy, culture, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation which presumably would entail having them in your regular "rotation "of friends and acquaintances?
For me the hard work really starts when engaging people that I don't really know, understand or have very little in common. The fact is these are my neighbors, co-workers, and other acquiantances from other areas of my life where I don't have a choice in the matter (and that includes twice removed strange cousins and the like). See, I get the part about resolving conflict with people I like or somebody that I have something in common with - the part that gets me is when I don't see the long term benefit (i.e., I don't envision a person in the regular friend/family rotation - I mean can give lip service to those outside the rotation, but am I willing to have a meaningful aunthentic realtionship built on more than a passing "Good Morning!"). Is your rotation as diverse and deep as outlined above? If so, I would be even more impressed as I can't say the same.
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